On a Bright Spring Day
by LibraHorse
Summary: Really, this is just for fun. A group of students find themselves in a world that resembles that of Romeo and Juliet.
1. How to Quadbajillionize Your Money

On a bright spring day at Pennbrook Middle School, the bell marking seventh period had just rung. The schoolchildren were ecstatic at the prospect of going home and wasting time until the next seventh period bell. While many denied it, it was most certainly true. For at that bell, in room 21, a most interesting occurrence occurred invariably every day.

Dan had always loved to dance and sing. In fact, there was nothing he liked more in the world. If the world were ruled by Dan, everyone would dance and sing all day long. He bit his nails, gazing longingly at the clock. Thirty seconds to go. Twenty seconds to go. Tennineeightsevensixfivefourthreetwoone. The bell rang. Mr. Joe Catagnus put on some hip tune. Dan finally got his chance to dance.

When Chris brought his video camera into school one day in December, it was a complete accident. Chris hadn't even known he owned a camera. But when he sat on it minutes before seventh period, Chris realized he had the ultimate practical joke on his hands. As the music started and Dan started dancing on the desk, Chris began to film.

The videotape was an instant success. Everyone in the school had a copy. Always one to glimpse a lucrative business project, Chris began to film Dan's dance every day. Within months, there were live video broadcasts throughout the building. But despite all this, Chris had not made a single penny. He was certain he was on to something, but he still couldn't seem to make ends meet. He needed a plan. More than that, he needed a mathematical and economical genius. He needed Taesup.

Taesup was a quadbajillionaire, that is to say, he was so rich, they needed to make up a word to describe how rich he had become in his relatively short lifespan. Upon hearing Chris' predicament, Taesup smiled patronizingly. He said, "My dear boy, the solution is quite palpable. In a week, your funds will have quadbajillionized®." Ignoring Chris' blank stares, Taesup went to work.

Four days later, no music played at the seventh period bell. The TVs broadcasting the dancing were blank. A thousand miles, five hundred years, and a parallel universe away, Mr. Catagnus' class was sitting, dazed, on a strange street in a bustling city. "Uh, where are we?" asked a confused Pat. The various students nodded in assent. Taesup stepped forward and explained, "In a chance to become tremendously wealthy off of Chris' tapes of Dan, I decided to appeal to a greater audience. In order to accomplish this goal, I enlisted my good friend Kyle. If you would, Kyle, old thing…" All eyes were now on the young man known as Kyle.

"If you would recall a few months ago, I did a project on black holes. While I did not win a ribbon," Kyle's eyes turned red, "I did discover a parallel universe beyond a black hole. Using complex mathematical equations, I found that the parallel universe bizarrely mirrored books that we've been studying in English class. I tried to send videos at inflated prices here, but instead I sent all of us to—" He was interrupted by a normally quiet boy named Reece whose face had suddenly lit up with a near-demonic form of ecstasy. He said:

"Two houses, both alike in dignity,

In fair Verona where we lay our scene,

From ancient grudge break new mutiny,

Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean!"


	2. The Party at the House of Capulet

Author's Note: I'm new to the whole fanfiction thing, but I think I should put in a disclaimer. I am not Shakespeare, and all of the real people in this story gave me permission to put them here.

The other students looked less enthusiastic about suddenly being in Shakespeare's famous story as they glumly watched Reece kissing the ground and running up and down the street. Blake was the first to break the stunned silence, "Dude, there's no Internet." Many murmured in agreement.

All this talk of alternate universes and black holes bored Dan. There was no dancing. Or singing, for that matter. Everyone on the street looked pretty excited about a party at the Capulet place. To Dan, parties meant one thing: Dancing. Without consulting his friends, Dan wandered off in a direction that looked like the right way.

Meanwhile, the 9th graders were trying to figure out a way to get home. Stephanie hypothesized that the universe would probably cease to exist once the play ended. Most felt this was a reasonable idea, but Pat R. disagreed. Since Pat R. disagreed with everything, they told him to stay out of the discussion henceforth. Realizing they only had a few days before they were erased from existence, the kids decided time was of the essence. To prolong their time, they planned to keep Romeo and Juliet from getting together. The plan, which was to be lead by Tim, was to commence at the Capulet's party.

Tim always considered himself to be excellent at picking up girls. He felt his deep, manly voice would attract Juliet better than anything that sissy Romeo could come up against. At the beginning of the ball, he sidled up to her and said, "**Check out these guns.**" He flexed. Juliet and Paris however, were not impressed. Paris displayed his displeasure by punching Tim in the stomach. It hurt. A brawl ensued.

In the ensuing chaos, Romeo crashed into Juliet. "Hey," said Romeo, "You're hot." Juliet giggled. "I'm not even fourteen. Wanna get married?" The two ill-fated lovers set off for Las Veronas.

Through his new friend Mercutio, Dan had learned that the legal drinking age in this alternate reality was somewhere around two. Drinking some Viñedo de Capulet 1492 (a very good year), Dan watched the violence with increasing merriment. The violence and the merriment it brought came to an immediate close, however, when the ruler of Verona, Prince Escalus showed up. "O good Lord, what happened here? What's this, more fighting? Who among you started this fight?"

Had the good prince thought about his question, he would have realized that no one in their right mind would have admitted to it, for the penalty for fighting in Verona was death. There was a guilty silence. Finally, Jim pointed at Juliet and said, "She did it!"

"I did not."

"Did too."

"Did not!"

"SILENCE!" shouted Prince Escalus, "Guards, take this miscreant to the gallows!" In a rush of quick thinking, Reece said, "Wait, send her to Friar Lawrence. He has many poisons that give slow and painful deaths." A sadist at heart, Escalus agreed. To the great dismay of Romeo, Juliet was whisked away. To his greater dismay, he and the rest of the party-goers were taken to prison to think about their possible fate. Except for Mercutio. He had a fancy brunch to attend with Prince Escalus in the morning.


	3. Where Your Tax Dollars Are Going

Nobody slept that night. It wasn't that they might be killed at dawn. It wasn't even that they might be destroyed in a dying universe. Dan was humming. He started with some tunes from a jazz festival a few days ago, moved to some 60's folk, and ended with a rousing Max Meyer arrangement. He was moving on to the Beatles when someone kicked Dan. There was silence.

When the light of dawn finally graced Verona, the students were wet, cold, and tired from their night. In the grey light, Dan R. could see Romeo and some other partygoers in the cell across from them. Judging by their disheveled looks, they too had not slept very well. Curse that other Dan with more screentime! Dan kicked Dan again. "I say, stop that! He's the only one who can get us out of here!" cried Taesup. The other students and Dan R. looked at him puzzled. Taesup told them his master plan. If this didn't work, nothing would.

Guard #52 wished he had a name. He knew his official title was Royal Penitentiary Sentinel of Fair Verona #52, but it was something of a mouthful. What sort of sick parent named their kid that anyway? But today he had a job aside from looking tough and rubbing oil on Escalus' arms. Prince Escalus had instructed him to fetch the Capulet girl and however many of those weird kids he chose for execution. #52 didn't think Friar Lawrence would be that accommodating as far as the mass poisoning was concerned, but it wasn't his job to think was it? The guard shuddered at the thought of his real job.

Royal Penitentiary Sentinel of Fair Verona #52's inner monologue was interrupted when a prisoner said, "Hi, I'm Caitlin. What's your name? Want to see my friend dance?"

There were too many words in that question for Guard #52 to comprehend. So he answered with his patented fail-safe: "Uh,"

"Excellent!" interjected Chris, "Dan, do a dirty dance!"

"But I need music. Preferably hip music."

So the entire cell started singing Vote No from the hit musical Max Meyer. (No product placement here, ladies and gentlemen, move along)

By the time Dan had his shirt off and was riding Jim around the prison, #52 had had enough. That is to say, he was on the floor in the fetal position with his eyes bleeding. Taesup looked at him condescendingly. "Poor old chap. Grab his keys."

The Veronans were a little wary of their would-be rescuers from the fight at the party and listening to Dan all night, but after witnessing that display, they were thoroughly convinced that unless they had no other choice, they would prefer to die by poison rather than follow Mr. Catagnus' seventh period class. Jim shrugged. "¡Hasta Pasta!"

The fifteen escapees soon realized the police system of Verona left something to be desired. Of the five guards standing guard over the prison, only Royal Penitentiary Sentinel of Fair Verona #9 noticed them, but after enough barking, he decided they were just dogs.

The ninth graders needed a new plan. Disrupting the natural universe had only lead to jail and mental scarring at the hands of Dan. Sadly, the mental scarring continued as Dan still wanted to act like a dog. Julie yelled at him, but all Dan did was run away, barking and howling. As all the kids ran after Dan, Reece began to slink away. This was his chance to finally set things straight. Grabbing a sword embedded in a local protester's body, Reece set off for Friar Lawrence's cell.

When the kids finally caught up with Dan, he was on the outskirts of Mantua, collapsed from exhaustion. "Well, now what?" asked a disgruntled Caitlin.


	4. Enter the Apothecary

Now what, indeed. Blake was trying to get Internet access on his laptop, Tim was flexing, and Chris was videotaping it all. Pat realized that it was up to him. Grabbing his Periodic Table of the Elements, (not that he needed it, he'd memorized it long ago) Pat began to think of a plan. Sure, it would be risky. It might kill hundreds of innocent people. But that had never stopped his hero, Mr. Glodek. Besides, Pat always did like to create explosions.

The plan had a simple premise: Using chemicals purchased from the local apothecary, create a gigantic near-atomic explosion to rip a hole in time and space to get home. The first problem, Pat realized, would be getting the Apothecary to give him the chemicals in the first place, as he had no money or food.

First, Pat used the usual means of getting what he wanted; Chris offered videotapes, Taesup had business proposals, Dan R. kicked him in the shin, Julie yelled at him, and Tim boasted, "**Check out _these_ guns.**" But it was to no avail. Finally, Stephanie proposed, "Why don't we do to him what we did to that guard?" The others (except Pat R., but he never agreed with anything) reluctantly agreed. So Dan did a belly dance to Happy Birthday.

Sadly, the Apothecary was immune to Dan's mind-raping dance because he was nearly blind. Far from despairing, Ramya had Jim fetch a pail of water. Ramya closed her eyes and the water instantly turned to wine. After four buckets of wine, the Apothecary was dead drunk. Pat had the potions he needed.

When the concoction was complete, Pat was about to trigger the explosion when Kyle said, "You know that we're all going to be killed by that blast, don't you? And if we weren't, there is no possible way that we can survive going through a black hole. We'd be ripped into infinitesimal molecules and be lost to a void forever."

Shocked, Pat asked, "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"

Kyle replied, "I didn't care."

Royal Thoroughfare Sentinel of Dull Mantua #83 came to beat the Apothecary for public drunkenness. When he noticed the students, he said, "Dudes, you will never _believe_ what is going down in Verona right now." The kids checked their numbers and realized that Reece was missing. Jim vocalized what everyone was thinking: "Oh, poo."


	5. The Penalty for Fighting in Verona

Meanwhile, back at Verona, Reece had convinced Friar Lawrence to marry Romeo and Juliet when they came to be executed. Conveniently, Romeo, Juliet, and a bunch of other partygoers walked in at that moment. Friar Lawrence politely asked the other partygoers to phase out of reality for a little while. They did. With Reece as witness, Romeo and Juliet were married.

Tybalt, Juliet's angsty cousin, did not phase out of reality when Friar Lawrence asked him to. Tybalt always did his best to fight the machine, and disobeying friars was his favorite way of displaying it. Tybalt knew it was physically impossible to disappear like that anyway. When he witnessed the marriage, Tybalt drew his sword and charged at Romeo in a gothic rage.

Prince Escalus chose this time to walk into the monastery with his royal train and personal guards. Among the people gathered to see the executions, Mercutio watched Tybalt's charge. "Tybalt! Thou, drawn inside a house of God against my homedogg Romeo, ye heartless hind! Tybalt, you rat-catcher, will you walk?"

Tybalt's cape fluttered dramatically as he stopped his charge. Turning to Mercutio, he answered, "Bring. It. On."

Reece knew Romeo was too much of a wuss in this universe to try and stop the fight. Prince Escalus was watching the clash with a sadistic pleasure, Juliet was comforting Romeo, and Friar Lawrence had tripped in another hole. It looked like it was up to him to save the human race. Again.

However, before he could break up and get Mercutio killed, the doors of the monastery burst open and Ramya was explaining how violence was not the answer, honor without victory, and all that messianic stuff. Reece saw his plan unraveling at a rapid pace. His eyes turned red. "Part, fools! You know not what you do!"

Kyle brought out his 7-foot-long sword. His eyes turned red. "I'm the only one who's allowed to do that."

The two were attacking each other with a fury that only Miss Liptak was thought to behold. Tybalt and Mercutio paused to watch these two masters fight. The ring of metal on metal created a melody that forced Dan to have a slow dance with Juliet.

The dance became a tango as the two combatants' ferocity increased. Kyle's sword cleaved Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #86 into two pieces. This act of brutality brought everyone back to reality. The party guests reappeared from the plot hole they had disappeared into. Romeo slapped Dan, screaming, "What are you doing with my wife?"

Dan did not have a reply. The music made him do it. Dan was saved from Romeo's wrath by the ever-timely Prince Escalus. "I charge you all of fighting in Verona! All of you shall be imprisoned in my citadel for life!" Escalus glanced at Reece's red eyes and Mercutio, Tybalt, and Kyle's swords. He also looked at Julie, who appeared to be about to yell at him. "Uh, except for those guys. You can leave them here."


	6. Tybalt Resorts to Violence

When all the soldiers had left, Reece clapped his hands together. "Right! Now, who wants to save our friends, bring justice to Verona, and put the continuity back together?"

Tybalt dramatically turned around and swished out of the church. "I work alone."

Kyle shrugged and said apathetically, "I really don't care about those guys. I'm gonna go chill with that hot Rosaline chick."

That left Julie, as Mercutio had found one of Ramya's 'special' buckets and was completely inebriated. "God help us," said Reece.

"**NO,**" said God.

It was going to be an interesting rescue.

In Verona, Escalus' palace was known as the Really Big Fortress of Evil. Its walls were four feet thick and three hundred Royal Sentinels guarded it. No one was quite sure how this worked out, as there was no way that even with the combined fortunes of all the residents of Verona, no one had enough money or manpower to build this architectural abomination. Nobody questioned the Really Big Fortress of Evil, for nobody wanted to rub oil on Prince Escalus' arms.

Therefore, it hadn't occurred to Reece that Escalus would live in a gigantic, black castle. He gazed at the walls with some trepidation. "Great. How are we supposed to get in?"

Julie drew a vial from her pocket. "With this."

"And what is that exactly?"

"An explosive Pat created with his knowledge of the Periodic Table of the Elements. It should be sufficient to breach those walls."

"But Pat made it."

"So?"

"Hundreds, possibly thousands, will be killed."

"We're in a book. None of us actually exist."

"Good point."

And so Julie hurled the concoction with such righteous strength that only her boyfriend might comprehend.

Bill Lambert was proud that he was one of the few guards in Verona with a name. That meant that he couldn't be as killed as easily as the rest of the other slobs. He was considered by many to be the best balalaika player in all of Verona. On Tuesdays, Bill enjoyed working in the streets to raise money for the poor. He was a trusted friend of Count Paris, and tonight he was planning to go home and tell his wife and five kids how much he loved them. But none of that really mattered as Bill, like Royal Edifice Sentinels of the Really Big Fortress of Evil 14-56 and much of the outer wall were instantly vaporized.

As the two students moved further into the castle, Tybalt followed, keeping to the shadows and generally being stealthy, as much as it killed him not to do it 'the American way'. Finally, he couldn't stand it any more. Jumping out from the shadows, he smashed two guards together, slashed a third, grabbed his sword and ran him through twice. Instantly, his violent urges subsided and with the grace of a cat, Tybalt went back into the shadow.

Julie and Reece soon found that the Really Big Fortress of Evil was well-labeled. There were detailed signs explaining where exactly the dungeons were. They even found a not-so-secret passage that led straight to the underground prison.

Tybalt had no need of silly signs. When the kids turned left, he turned right and presently found himself in the mess hall. Fifty-four guards lifted their heads up. Tybalt waved his sword menacingly. "I am looking for my cousin. One of you will tell me where she is." No one moved. Suddenly, everyone started laughing. Captain of the Royal Guard of Fair Verona #1 said, "Kill him!"

In the movies, when a single hero takes on an army, usually the badguys make a circle and send two or three goons to take him or her down. When these two or three goons die horrible and painful deaths, two or three more come to take their place. Tybalt was outnumbered fifty-four to one. In real life, he would be dead. But in this story, those guys didn't stand Mr. Bauer's chance of winning Upstanding Teacher of the Year Award.

After most of them had been decapitated or otherwise dismembered, the guards stopped fighting. Tybalt took this opportunity to kill three more. "You idiot!" cried a voice, "When they stop, you do too because they know something really big is going to happen!"

Tybalt was broken out of his bloody reverie. He looked up to see Count Paris. "Oh."

"Yes, 'oh', you fool. As part of my training to become a leech of my relatives' money, or a count, I had to read _Romeo and Juliet_. As everybody may or may not know, Romeo kills you in Act III and later kills me two acts later. I always—Stop that! Stop that!" Tybalt had lost interest in the discussion and had killed another guard. "You bloody fool. Anyway, I always wondered: Which of us was the better fighter?"

Tybalt saw where this was going. "I guess there's only one way to find out."

The Count's face blanched. "Resort to violence? Heaven's no! I just was wondering out loud. Guards, finish him!"

Tybalt finished the rest of the guards. "Hey, Paris, do you want to help me find your fiancé?" Chatting like old friends, Tybalt and Paris left the bloody mess that was the mess hall and headed for the dungeons.


	7. Yet Another Daring Rescue

Author's Note: Believe it or not, I am not William Shakespeare, Homer, or Charles Dickens. Amazing, I know.

Julie and Reece had arrived in the prison sector of the citadel. They had many different ideas as to how to get the keys.

"Violence."

"Yelling."

For once, they decided upon yelling. The guard willingly gave up the keys after Julie yelled at him. He even gave the cell numbers of their friends. Things were running smoothly, until they had one cell left. It was Dan's. "Let's leave him there!" cried Dan R. However, Dan was not inside the cell. Odysseus was.

Greater than any previously mentioned in the book, there was a pause. Said Blake, "Dude, it's Odysseus." Many murmured in agreement. Odysseus replied, "Yes, I am that wanderer of the seas, the hero of Ithaca, conqueror of Troy! I wandered the Aegean Sea for ten years, gave the finger to Poseidon, scored with goddesses, outsmarted the Cyclops. I betrayed my crew, and, alone, survived! I AM ODYSSEUS! Mortals, look upon me and tremble!"

"No, just, no." said Pat R. obstinately. For once, everyone agreed with Pat R.

Another pause. Then, Stephanie asked, "Odysseus, why are you here? This is _Romeo and Juliet_. You star in an epic poem written over a thousand years ago. You should have been dead for years. And why do you speak English?"

Always useful in explaining plot holes, Taesup once more stepped forward. "You see, when I set off to quadbajillionize® Chris' capital income, I realized that I could not continuously hop between dimensions selling tapes---at inflated prices, of course. So I gave large numbers of tapes and the dimension-traveling machine to Prince Escalus in hopes that he would distribute the tapes on my behalf. It is becoming increasingly apparent," Taesup glanced at the Ithacan king, "that our good prince is abusing his power. He must be stopped at all costs!"

Odysseus wished the kids luck. "Hey, before I go to gorge myself on whatever resources this place has, would any of you ladies like to kiss me?" As Juliet, Ramya, Stephanie, Caitlin and Julie all looked thoroughly disgusted at the idea, the great epic hero had to settle for Jim. When that random episode was over, our heroes began to formulate a plan to rescue Dan and take down Escalus.

Prince Escalus was sitting on his throne, looking menacing. He could have been trying to soothe relations between the Capulets and the Montagues, or otherwise ruling his city, but he decided to sit on the throne and frown dramatically with fifty of his best men standing at attention. It was almost as if he was expecting some large group of intruders to burst through the door, which ironically, happened.

"Okay, Pip, it's over!" shouted Reece, sword drawn. Escalus/Pip's eyes narrowed. "How did you know it was me?" "Only you are sadistic and callous enough to condemn an entire room to death via poison."

Pip Pirrup took off his mask. "I see there's no more need of keeping up appearances. I bet you're wondering what I'm doing outside of _Great Expectations _and why I'm suddenly the evil overlord of Verona. I'm not going to tell you. Instead, I'm going to _kill_ you!"


	8. In Which Pip Has an Inner Monolouge

Author's Note: I'm really sorry if you liked Great Expectations. I enjoyed it, but I couldn't stand Pip. Forgive me if you are insulted by this chapter.

Pip Pirrup took off his mask. "I see there's no more need of keeping up appearances. I bet you're wondering what I'm doing outside of _Great Expectations _and why I'm suddenly the evil overlord of Verona. I'm not going to tell you. Instead, I'm going to _kill_ you!"

"That is really corny," said Julie.

But the melodrama only increased with each passing second. Pip had thrown his hand over his head. Large tears welled in his eyes. "Oh, Estella! If only you had loved me, I would not be the homicidal maniac I am today!" Directing his attention to his guards, he said, "Leave none alive!"

Chris whispered, "I liked the story better when Prince Escalus was the villain."

But there was no time for remorse, as the kids were suddenly surrounded by big, stupid, bloodthirsty Royal Sentinels of Fair Verona. As only Reece was armed, it was evident that it would take a miracle or a plot device to save them now.

In the end, it was a mix of both. Summoning all her holy power, Ramya teleported everyone back to the church, leaving Pip stuttering and spitting on his throne. "Bah! Time to put plan Delta into effect. You there," he pointed at Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #187, "Rub oil on my arms…"

Plan Delta; the latest of Pip's ideas to take over the world. After the events of _Great Expectations_, Pip found himself with a minimum-wage job living in his best friend's basement. He had lost contact with Joe and his wife, and his crushed dreams of being with Estella, his true love brought him near-madness. Like Miss Havisham and Miss Squires before him, Pip swore vengeance upon the world. Miss Havisham became a social recluse, Miss Squires became a teacher, and Pip plotted to take over the world. Sadly, as he lacked brains, power and social grace, taking over the world proved harder than initially planned.

But like all accomplishments Pip had made in his life, one day, he got lucky. A man dressed in strange clothes came and asked him if he wanted a tape. Because he was stupid, Pip readily bought it. The dancing intrigued him. He shot the strange man, took his crown and watched all the tapes. But he needed more. He banged all the controls on the man's machine, but no tapes came out. Instead, he found himself inside Prince Escalus' Really Big Fortress of Evil. Perplexed, Pip beat a guard to death. Bill Lambert noticed the murder and said, "Oh, Prince Escalus. We wondered where you went to."

The rest, as they say, is history.

"My liege?"

"Yes, number one-sixty-three?"

"That's one-eighty-seven, sir."

"Whatever. You were saying…?"

"It's nothing sire, you were just talking to the voices in your head and it freaked me out. More than rubbing your arms does, that is."

"I see. Please continue, number seven."


	9. There's No Such Thing as a Stupid Questi...

Friar Lawrence had just climbed out of his hole when Ramya and the other heroes appeared seemingly out of nowhere. This bizarre event did not bother the friar greatly; after all, he had lived in Verona all his long life. "Back so soon?" he inquired. "Well," explained Stephanie, "We were going to rescue Dan and take down Escalus, but we found there were some… gaps in our logic."

"I knew that plan wouldn't work," muttered Pat R.

At this remark, the students began bickering, as they were wont to do. They started arguing about their lack of weapons, moved on to religion and politics, and finally wound up on Jim's rather erroneous recipe for !Hasta Pasta¡. At last, Caitlin took command. What her speech lacked in eloquence, it made up for in emotion and contractions. "THAT'S IT! I'M TIRED OF THE PLOT GOING IN CIRCLES! OF ALL THE CHARACTERS, I GET THE LEAST RESPECT, AND I'M SICK OF IT! WE'VE GOT A MADMAN ON THE THRONE OF VERONA AND IT'S OUR FAULT! NO MORE PLANS, IT'S TIME FOR AN ALL-OUT ASSAULT!" There was a standing ovation.

"Now, who's with me?" No one moved. In the back of the church, someone loaded a shotgun. "I am," said Mr. Hanna.

He strode forward. "You have my gun."

Mercutio rose drunkenly. "And my hic sword."

"And my bow!" cried Odysseus as he burst through the priceless stained glass.

"Very good," said Friar Lawrence, "You shall be the Fellowship of the Pasta."

Shortly after meeting him, you knew Mr. Hanna was not one you asked silly questions such as, 'How can you possibly be here?', or 'Where did you get that tie?'. You just didn't. He was a giant of a man, in height and in girth, whose knowledge of anything and everything was incomparable. If he couldn't save Verona from Pip, then no one could.

When the Fellowship left the monastery with dramatic music blasting in the background, the students had not left their stunned position. Romeo and Juliet made a hasty farewell as they went to find a suitable place for their honeymoon. Dazedly, our heroes wished them good luck. Friar Lawrence waited for them to leave, but eventually, he decided to sweep up the broken stained glass.


	10. Mercutio Asks a Stupid Question

Back at the Really Big Fortress of Evil, a sense of dread had instilled itself in every guard. The security had been breached, and someone had to report it. After drawing straws, Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #239 was coerced into telling Pip the bad news. "Master! County Paris and a figure dressed in black are wreaking havoc in the dungeons. I think they are looking for somebody's cousin."

"I see. How would you describe this other man?"

"By Jesu! A very tall man! A very good blade! A very, heh, very good wh---"

"I require no more information. He is Tybalt of the Capulet house. I have seen him before. Skilled as he is, he will be no match for Plan Delta!" At this, Pip snickered.

"That's not much of an evil laugh, sire."

"Shut up."

There was a shot, and #239 crumpled to the floor, dead. The Fellowship of the Pasta had arrived. The few Royal Sentinels standing guard fell quickly. Odysseus sent an arrow right next to Pip's head. "Pip, give us the keys to the machine and nobody gets hurt."

Pip gestured to the numerous bloody corpses on the floor. "What about those guys?"

"Please. They didn't even have names."

Keys in hand, Mercutio took over the interrogation. "Pip, where are you hiding Prince Escalus?

"What kind of villain are do you take me for? I killed him and threw his body into the marshes. It was great fun."

Mercutio slapped him. "Where were you on the 37th of September?"

"Eh?" A slap.

"What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?" Slap. "If Dan dances in a forest and no one is there, does he still squeal with glee?" Slap. "001010101001100?" Slap. "Can I have a beer?" Slap. "WHERE ARE YOUR REBEL FRIENDS NOW?" Slap.

Mercutio's next question was interrupted by Mr. Hanna. "Enough of this. The universe-traveling machine is located in the graveyard. We should get going. Tybalt can handle Mr. Pirrup and his Plan Delta."

Raising his eyebrows, Odysseus asked, "Plan Delta?"

"Let's go."

The graveyard was rather nondescript, with the exception of numerous holes wide enough for a friar to fall into and the towering black hole machine in the center of it. After a quick inspection of the contraption, Mr. Hanna decided that it was broken. Odysseus, pretending to have the slightest idea of what was going on, asked how long it would take to fix it.

Mr. Hanna looked thoughtful. "I'd say that it should be done just a few hours before the end of the universe. Three days or so. In the meantime, I would suggest that you and your friends stay close together. Do not antagonize Pip; he has power that you cannot imagine. Dan is currently in the forest. Best of luck." And so, with those various fragment sentences and a few pressed buttons, Mr. Hanna disappeared into a void of scientific impossibility.

"…So _who_ was that guy again?" asked Mercutio.


	11. What Dancers These Mortals Be!

Author's Note: I could try explaining why it took so long to update, but you'd never believe me. You probably would think it was a boring story anyway. A big thanks to Shakespeare's love, my first and only reviewer. You rock. I hope you enjoyed the rest of my rather silly story, if you ever got to it.

Mr. Hanna was correct, as always. Terribly bored in the confined cell, Dan slid between the bars and looked for a new place to dance and party and sing. Ambling out of the Really Big Fortress of Evil, Dan happily waved to some of the numerous guards. They waved back. Suddenly, Dan's acute ears heard music. He sniffed the air, desperately searching for the source. The forest! Forests were magical places with squirrels, deer, elves, and…

Fairies. Legion upon legion of fairies all dancing and singing. Dan's brain couldn't handle it. He promptly fainted from excitement. Upon awakening, he saw a stern-looking fairy buzzing around his head. "I am Oberon, King of the Fairies. Who are you who interrupts our eveningtide revels?"

"Iwannadance"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Iwannadance, iwannadance, IWANNADANCE!"

Dan came to the conclusion that this Oberon fellow was a bit slow in the head, so he began to do an impromptu jig. Oberon's wife, Titania's eyes widened. "You heard him! Let's dance!"

In the past two days, Dan had only a few seconds of dirty dancing, belly dancing and slow dancing. There was a lot of energy that had not been burned. Now, with fairies cavorting all around him, Dan let loose all his funky power.

And that is when the Fellowship of the Pasta entered the glade.

"What in Pan's chest hair is _that_?" cried Odysseus in a voice that resembled revulsion and awe at the same time.

Caitlin shrugged. "Oh, that's just Dan."

Purposefully, Mercutio stepped towards Titania. "I take it that you, my fair creature, are Queen Mab?" The fairies stopped dancing.

"No, a being as fair as she must be divine. Tell me, what god or goddess are you descended from?" interjected Odysseus.

Caitlin rolled her eyes. "It has to be Tinkerbelle. Hey, Tinkerbelle, where's Peter? And who are all these other fairies?"

Titania did a loop. "A queen? A goddess? …Tinkerbelle? You are all close! I am Titania! Queen of the Fairies! This is my husband, Oberon."

Oberon gave the Fellowship the thumbs up.

By this point, Dan realized that the music had stopped. He was about to begin dancing anyway when he realized that some of his friends had come to see him. Dan hugged Caitlin and Mercutio. "I feel so alone," said Odysseus.

After all the initial introductions were finished, Titania asked the four what they planned to do with themselves now that they had found their friend. Caitlin hurriedly mumbled something about the end of the universe and she and her friends began to leave. As he watched them walk away, Oberon decided that these humans must have been a bit slow in the head.

Things were very much the same back at the church. Friar Lawrence had fallen in another hole, Dan R. was practicing his kicking on a voodoo doll resembling Dan, and the others were engaged in other such eccentric activities. The only thing that had changed since the Fellowship's departure was the return of Kyle. Everything within the church was the same. Everything outside, however, had gone to hell.

A demon had arrived in Verona. Peasants and nobles alike fled from its sight. With its supporters trailing behind, crying his name, the monster hobbled along the street on two legs. Half as high as a man and twice as wide, the fiend took in a deep breath. It was a good day to spread Animalism to these wretched humans.

A smaller, but equally fat pig addressed his leader, "Comrade Napoleon, how long do you think it will take?"

But Napoleon's attention was directed elsewhere. Amid all of the humans fleeing for their lives, one man, broken and battered limped in their direction. His eyes, once fierce, now were shadows of their former glory. "…Must…warn..." The man's body twitched uncontrollably. "PLAN DELTA!" Screaming, the man ran into a nearby church.

Napoleon awkwardly turned to his underling. "If he's the average intelligence, this'll be easier than Manor Farm."


	12. No Love for the Trojan Horse

Author's Note: evildildo, how did the finalgo? Yes, these people are my friends and classmates(and myself). I got their permission to put them in, but a lot of them begged me to anyway. LibraHorse liked it so much she let me put it on I'll be pretty busy this summer, but I promise to update as often as I can!

Pat R. heard Caitlin's story and despaired. Teachers weren't people they could truest. If they were to make it out of this ordeal, they would have to do it without any outside help. No fairies, no drunken swordsmen, no ancient heroes and certainly no shotgun-toting history teachers. He begged that Kyle create a new machine. He pleaded for Pat to make a new explosive. He even beseeched Dan to dance a dance so horrible that it would rip the fabric of space and time, but Julie yelled at him.

"You know what Julie? You're not funny! BURN!"

Julie was about to make an equally clever retort when Tybalt fell through the church doors. He babbled some of the most incoherent babble that the students had ever heard. When he realized his audience was about as understanding as Mrs. Joe Gargery, he bit his thumb and cried, "You blocks! You stones! You WORSE THAN SENSELESS THINGS!"

Taesup took great offense to this. "Do you bite your thumb at _me_, sir?"

"I do, sir."

Taesup drew his sword. "Then have at thee, villan!"

Taesup may have been an economical genius, making quadbajillions® every year, well-spoken and kind, but he was not a swordsman. Perhaps it was merely the fact that Tybalt had just endured unspeakable horrors (and the fact that Taesup can't die, he's a hero) that Taesup wasn't maimed, killed, or otherwise injured in the few seconds it took Tybalt to disarm him. Taesup fainted.

"Perhaps now we could hear Tybalt's story?" asked Stephanie.

And so they did. "After you got captured, I went to save my cousin, Juliet. I infiltrated the Really Big Fortress of Evil with County Paris, until I was in Escalus' throne room. Paris was taken prisoner, and I was surrounded. The prince began to talk to me with strange words like 'intern-et' and 'computer moniters'. Suddenly, one of the walls lit up with a malignant light. Where the wall was, there was a moving picture of Prince Escalus dancing! …It was horrible. He said he could send it anywhere in the world using this 'internet' and he would soon take over the world!"

His usefulness as a character exhausted, Tybalt fainted on the floor next to Taesup.

Once again, Blake was the first to have anything to say about this bizarre occurrence: "Pip has internet access!"

Pat R. rolled his eyes. "Pip is going to take over the world with movies of him dancing? Lame."

Chris said, "I'm hungry."

Further discussion of Plan Delta was put to an end by twenty-five Royal Sentinels who marched through the heavy wooden doors of the church. "Fair citizens of Verona! The benign Prince Escalus alerts all civilians to be on for several armed and dangerous foreigners who have made an attempt on his life."

Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #144 continued the proclamation: "If it is suspected that you are related to these conspirators, that you know these conspirators, are these conspirators, know of someone who knows these conspirators, might know someone who knows these conspirators, you shall be put to death. If…"

Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #285 interrupted, "Can we just kill them now?"

"No, we have to read the whole proclamation first."

"But they have to fit on that list somewhere. Let's save time and kill them!"

"You're not very good at this are you?"

By the time the twenty-five soldiers had finished their discussion of proper goon conduct, their quarry had fled into the streets with Tybalt and Taesup on Tim's shoulders.

On a nondescript rooftop the next morning, the students, Mercutio, Tybalt, and Odysseus watched the army of Verona patrol the city. No one was quite sure how Verona had such an army, but regardless, they were surrounded on all sides. Our heroes debated on the best course of action. They had two possible plans.

Plan A, submitted by Odysseus, had everyone get inside a giant wooden horse and roll out of town. This was regarded as a very stupid idea.

Plan B involved everyone fleeing for their lives. This was more popular than its variant, Plan 2B, which had a select few suicidal enough to create a distraction while everyone else fled for their lives. In the end, it was 2B or not 2B.

Author's Note: I think the ending is great. I was going to include anedited version of Hamlet's famous soliloquy here, but it was pretty bad. I think it's funnier the way it is now. If you want me to put it in the next chapter, please do so. Thank you. As a point of interest, this is the third time I've had to repost this chapter, thanks to the evils of bad editing and internet trouble.


	13. In Soviet Verona, Pig Eats You

Author's Note: The title is an homage (read: BLATANT RIPOFF)to a show calledFamily Guy. It is a rather coarse show, but then again, so is my story. I can never think of good titles anyway. Today is our last day of school. While I'm happy that summer is here, I'm also a little sad because I will never see some of the characters in this story again as we move to different high schools.

By some strange fluke, Plan 2B won the vote. "Last ones to run away have to create the distraction!" yelled Dan R. as he ran off the rooftop, fell two stories, and landed with a crunch.

The others used a conveniently placed ladder to flee.

Miraculously surviving his fall without injury, Dan R. got onto his feet and looked about. To his great surprise, Odysseus and Kyle were still on the roof. At first, he waved and said hello. Then, he realized that Odysseus and Kyle were _still_ on the roof. "Why are you two _still_ on the roof?" he asked them incredulously.

Odysseus, who had a large pile of wood surrounding him, now slammed his hand on the roof. "I said I wanted to build a wooden horse, and by Hephaestus' gimp leg, I'm going to!"

Kyle shrugged in his annoyingly apathetic way. "I didn't care."

"Oh," said Dan R.

A momentary pause. Kyle and Odysseus were still on the roof. "Do you mean to tell me that Taesup and Tybalt, who were both incapacitated at the time, were able to get off this roof before you?"

Odysseus was quite involved with his work, so Kyle answered, "Yeah."

Dan R. rubbed his hands together. "Well, we'd better get started on that distraction, huh?"

Odysseus glared at him. Kyle straightened his glasses and brought out his I-Pod. "You have a good time with that."

"Now see here!" yelled Dan R., "We voted on this stupid plan and both of you are going to help me!"

Five minutes later, Dan. R was on a suicide mission to distract the army of Verona. He felt that his strategy was one of the most thought-out suicide missions ever conceived. Really, Dan R. couldn't think of any plan that was more thought-out or more suicidal.

First, he would throw some heavy object (a rock, a watermelon, a small child) at a passing guard. A chase would ensue, and he would evade them with some disguise glasses he got in a Kid's Meal. While the guards were looking for him, he would sneak off and join up with his friends.

It had to work.

It didn't.

Dan R. was completely surrounded by vicious, watermelon-covered guards in an alley that smelled of waste and broken watermelons. Stealthily, Dan put on the disguise glasses. No one moved. Suddenly, all the guards burst out laughing. Dan R. began to feel very silly. "You guys were stupid enough to believe that we were a bunch of _dogs_."

Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #285 said, "Well, you put those on right in front of us. That fooled us once, and it cost #172 his life. How dense do you think we are?"

Dan R. decided it was in his best personal interest not to answer that question, so he took his makeshift disguise and rubbed the non-existent lenses.

"Well, it doesn't matter," said Royal Sentinel #285, "You obviously might know someone who knows the conspirators, and so, by the power invested in me, I sentence you to death!"

However, this death sentence was never carried out. At that exact point in time, something began gnawing on Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #34's leg. "Oh, the horror!" he cried before he was eaten alive. His comrades and Dan R. turned to see fifteen terribly obese pigs. The Royal Sentinels ran for their miserable lives, except for #90. He was eaten alive. The ranks of pigs parted, and the fattest pig Dan R. had ever seen stepped forward on its spindly legs. "I don't believe it," exclaimed Dan R., "it's Yosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili!"

"No," said the fattest pig, "I am Napoleon."

"That's interesting."

"Isn't it?"

But Dan R. had already run away.

Later, when he would retell the story to his friends, it was a tale of courage in the face of danger, where he slew two of his pursuers after they beat him terribly and made him listen to Brittany Speares music, which is close to being the same thing.


	14. When You're A Greaser

Author's Note: This will be my last update for a while. I'm not Shakespeare, Homer, Charles Dickens, George Orwell, or S. E. Hinton, nor did I have permission to use their characters. A short segment in this chapter is taken from West Side Story.

Chris did some quick math in his head. If _Romeo and Juliet_ took place over five days or so, and they had been stuck there for three… Chris didn't like math very much. He turned to Ramya, who was helping a blind man to see. "Ramya, what is five minus three?"

"Two."

"Thank you."

Chris thought of the possible connotations of that statement. If they had two days left before the end of the universe, they had around two thousand, eight hundred and eighty minutes left before Mr. Hanna came to save them. A lot could happen in one hundred seventy-two thousand, eight hundred seconds. "Where do you guys want to go to kill one hundred seventy two million, eight hundred thousand milliseconds?"

"How about the forest?" asked Dan innocently.

And so our heroes traveled to the forest, where they were beset by dancing fairies. "Oh, God, NO!" screamed Reece.

He waited for God to make a sarcastic remark, but none came.

"This really doesn't make any sense," contemplated Caitlin, "When we were last here, you guys were having some freaky sunset ritual. But you're still dancing, and it's mid-morning. Don't you have to eat?"

Puck, who had momentarily died of starvation before jumping back to life said, "No, we're immortal, so we can party day and night without worry."

"Works for me!" came Dan's muffled yell as he joined some breakdancing fairies.

Jim, Dan, and Tim formed a long chorus line and there was general merriment and some death from malnourishment. After an hour or so, Romeo and Juliet appeared in the fairy kingdom, looking a bit disheveled.

"Still married?" asked Stephanie tentatively.

"Of course," answered the star-crossed lovers.

"**Pity**," muttered Tim.

"Listen kids," said Oberon, "Marriage is overrated. I mean, I'm married, and it's no fun! No more nights out on the town in Athens, no more…" He trailed off as his wife glared at him. "Actually, marriage is a truly wonderful thing. Best of luck to you both." Oberon glanced at his wife, who continued glaring. "Oh, yeah, stay in school and don't take 'magic love flowers' from old men in tights." Titania nodded her head in approval. Oberon beamed.

Just as it seemed that all conflicts had been resolved through the powers of communication, Tybalt realized that Juliet had married a Montague. "We may be related now, but the love I bear for thee can afford no better term than this: Thou art a villain."

Understandably worried by being called a villain by one of the most homicidal people in existence, Romeo answered meekly, "Villain I am none, please don't kill me."

"I haven't killed anything in about eight pages. The chances of your survival are about as likely as a bunch of hoods appearing out of nowhere to do a song and dance number."

Apparently, these chances were greater than the King of Cats had thought. At that moment, a group of teenagers with liberal amounts of grease in their hair burst through the bushes, snapping their fingers in rhythm.

"When you're a grease you're a grease all the way

"From your first cigarette to your last dyin' day

"When you're a grease if the spit hits the fan

"You've got brothers around, you're a family man!

"When you're a grease you're the top cat in town

"You're the gold medal kid with the heavyweight crown!

"When you're a grease you're the swingin'est thing

"Little boy you're a man; little man you're a king!

"You're never alone---"

"We know you are a bunch of West Side Story ripoffs, but could you _please_ try to contain the snapping and the ballet dancing?" pleaded Julie.

Dallas 'Dally' Winston swore. "Don't get all bourgeoisie on me. I'll have you know that I and my greaser comrades hail from the East portion of the city," said Ponyboy.

"So how does the term 'bourgeoisie' fit in with the rest of your statement?" asked Chris.

Ponyboy couldn't think of an answer, so Dally swore.

After everyone had finished rolling their eyes at Dally's juvenile statement, Puck asked, "Do you guys want to have a dance-off?"

This seemed like a reasonable request, so the three teams were set up: Fairies, Greasers, and Dan. Dan's innovative use of "I Love You, You Love Me" made him the winner by far.

That random segment out of the way, the plot plodded in a direction that somewhat resembled forward. "So let me get this straight, we're in a doomed universe that is going to kick it in less than two days?"

"Pretty much."

"And you guys are just sitting in a forest with a bunch of grown men in spandex?" exploded Dally, "I know what I'd be doing if I had two days left to live…" Dally let the statement hang in the air as he winked at Juliet, who rolled her eyes.

"Then why don't you do it and leave us alone,"said Tybalt dryly.

"I was never much of a reader, but I once read _Romeo and Juliet_," said Dally thoughtfully, "and I always wondered: Which of us is the better fighter?"

Recalling his conversation earlier with Paris, Tybalt said, "Yes, I suppose that is a rather interesting thing to think about."

But Dally was never much of a thinker, either. Drawing his gun, he fired multiple shots in Tybalt's direction. Since Dally's gun was always empty, Tybalt unsheathed his sword and cleaved Dally in two. Blake looked at Ponyboy. "Sorry my friend brutally murdered your friend."

"No, it's okay," said Ponyboy, "He would have given this story an R rating."

Author's Note: Ponyboy is right.


	15. Much Ado About Animalism

Author's Note: Once again, I'm going to be gone for a while. Sorry if this chapter offends any communists, anarchists, or any members of the Democratic Party.

* * *

By noon, our heroes and the greasers found that they were pretty hungry. 

"I'm pretty hungry. Let's go into town," said Reece.

"While that bears a striking similitude to a plot device, I agree. Unfortunately for us, we've been sentenced to death three times in town and there isn't any food in the forest. Also, we can't forget that we'd most likely be mind-raped by Plan Delta as soon as we stepped on Veronan soil."

"The effects of Plan Delta can't be _that_ bad," reasoned Reece, "After all, Tybalt was subjected to it, and he seems sane enough."

Tybalt, who had been fantasizing about killing all Montagues in increasingly horrendously painful ways said, "Yeah, I'm perfectly sane."

"Plan Delta shouldn't be much of a problem," piped Blake, "I shut it down by using Pip's wireless Internet for my own sick and twisted purposes."

"I beg your pardon?" asked Taesup and Ponyboy in tandem.

"Never mind, just buy stock in Microsoft when you get to your own universe."

"And people accuse me of coming up with plot devices," whined Reece, "Blake just shut down Pip's doomsday plan of apocalyptic fury with a quick stroke of the mouse. Plan Delta has been an ominous shadow over us for the past couple of chapters. We have absolutely no reason to take Pip seriously now. This is terrible! Every story needs a villain. Without Darth Vader, no _Star Wars_. Without the Wicked Witch of the West, no _Wizard of Oz_. Villains are part of our everyday lives. Napoleon. Jesse James. Bill Clinton!" The sheer mental strain of the ordeal caused him to go get fabulously drunk with Mercutio.

"It just occurred to me that I have _absolutely_ no idea what you guys are talking about half of the time," muttered Oberon.

"That's okay, dear, you are most likely clueless because they are from a different dimension… and you're an idiot," answered his wife.

This seemed like a reasonable proposition and many nodded in agreement. When the nodding was quite finished, Stephanie said, "So, about that food."

Leaving their Athenian and Oklahoman friends in the forest, the students, Tybalt, Juliet, Mercutio, and Romeo returned to Verona to be assaulted with a sight more bizarre than they would have liked. All around the streets, instead of nobles and other rich people eating and drinking and having a generally good time, there were farm animals eating, drinking in excess, and having a generally good time. A morbidly obese pig who identified himself as Squealer while walking forward precariously on two legs addressed the group, "Do you love Comrade Napoleon?"

"Huh?" said Chris.

"By law, you have to say you love Comrade Napoleon or we rip you limb from limb, but do you really, truly _love_ him?"

"I guess…"

"Oh, good. Human, you and your comrades are now the bottom rung in our new, classless society of animalists. A few key phrases you must learn are: 'Four legs good, two legs better' and 'All animals are equal but some are more equal than others'. That should get you pretty far. I'm going to sleep in a bed with sheets. Have a nice day."

"So, we're anarchists now?"

"No, animalists."

"An-i… Anarchists."

By this point, Squealer was pretty steamed. He briefly considered smashing Chris into a wall, head butting him in the gut before setting him on fire while ripping him limb from limb and eating the remains, but then he considered Leader Napoleon's newest policy: With enough time and torture, all humans can see the light. He said, "It seems to me that you and your comrades need reeducating. Come with me to our new Really Big Fortress of Love."

While there was some initial refusal, Squealer was finally able to convince them to go.

"We still didn't get any food," lamented Stephanie.

* * *

Author's Note: This felt like a really weird chapter. I think it is because two of my three 'straight' characters, Chris, Stephanie, and Pat R. descended into the same insanity their friends are caught in. Also, I'm know I'm making the pigs more like the society in George Orwell's other story, _1984_. It just seems like the logical place Manor Farm was headed. 


	16. Napoleon is Watching You

Author's Note: This one is a little short, but I had to get something out before LibraHorse came home.

* * *

The Really Big Fortress of Love wasn't a terribly exciting thing to behold. It was just the Really Big Fortress of Evil with a shoddy white paint job and inspirational messages like 'Napoleon is Watching' and 'Believe. Obey. Fight!' scribbled on the walls. Taesup even claimed he saw Minimus' epic "Comrade Napoleon" on one wall. However, before anyone could prove or disprove this claim, they were jostled inside by some angry pigs, pushed down a flight of stairs, and shoved into a large dungeon cell. Before slamming the door shut, Squealer informed them that their education would begin in the morning.

A grim situation took a turn for the bizarre when our heroes looked at their inmates with bemused expressions. Pip, fifteen Royal Sentinels, Paris and the remainder of the partygoers from the Capulet's party all glared back at them. Before anyone could advise her otherwise, Juliet introduced her parents and Paris to their new son-in-law. Lady Capulet fainted and a brawl ensued. Tybalt was not sure who to help, so he beat up everyone in his comfort zone, which happened to have a ten-foot radius.

After everyone was beaten well beyond the point where they could have created a unified force against their piggy captors, they began to discuss intelligent, important matters.

"Pip, how is it that you lost a well-fortified castle with something less than three-hundred soldiers at your disposal… to a bunch of pigs?"

"Alas, I relied too heavily on Plan Delta to melt their minds and make them living vegetables. It was for this reason that I tore down the front doors to make a bigger throne to satisfy my ego. When someone shut down Plan Delta, I was completely unprotected. The pigs marched in and ate twelve of my soldiers and put me in here! I really don't understand it. All I did was order my guards to run around it circles."

After this speech, everyone decided to revert to mindless bickering, as they were most likely to retain their I.Q. level by not conversing in an intelligent manner.

For hours they debated the stupidity of dance-themed doomsday plans, the stupidity of Veronan soldiers, the stupidity of Montagues, the stupidity of Capulets, the complete impotency of students from a futuristic parallel universe, and pasta's role in creating World Peace™.

The squabbling continued into the night, and then the early hours of the morning. Finally, Tybalt ended all discussion with, "Peace. I hate the word as I hate Hell, all Montagues, and thee," he pointed at Mercutio, "and thee," he pointed at Chris, Taesup, Dan, Reece, Blake, Pat R., Stephanie, Tim, Dan R., Caitlin, Jim, Pat, and Ramya, "and thee!" he finished as he bit his thumb at everyone present.

"Don't you hate me as you hate hell and all Montagues?" asked Julie, a little hurt to be left out.

"No, anyone who yells as much as you must be as angry as me. That's a person to be respected; and above all, feared."

"Okay."

Presently, a pig in a full suit of armor entered and escorted each prisoner to their respective classrooms one by one until only Dan and Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #290 were left. "Dan, it is time for your reeducation," the pig said impassively.

Panicked at the thought of being left alone in the dank cell, #290 cried out, "No, Dan, stay with me in here!"

Dan looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which. So he took a lucky guess and went with the pig.


	17. Public Drunkenness

Author's Note: I really don't have much to say, but here's a shameless advertisement for Libra Horse'snew story. If you like Harry Potter, it's rediculously funny and best of all, it's written by the real LibraHorse! The one, the only, and not an imposter like me! On the subject of LibraHorse, my good and kind benefactor, who I don't think I've ever thanked in the course of this tale, (which I'll do in a second) she's in this story! And you (yes, you, right there) could get a cookie if you can guesswho she is. Or who I am, as I'm in the story too. Anyway, thank you LibraHorse for letting me use your account.

* * *

Dan did not enjoy the class very much. The pig/teacher did not put on any music at the bell and all he talked about was how they should all love Napoleon, for he was good and benevolent and autocratic. Dan was thrilled when an excited chicken flew through the door crying, "Boxer! Boxer has returned to us!"

The pig and his class ran to the front door, where they saw the biggest horse any of them had ever seen. Sheep had surrounded it, and they were chanting, "Boxer! Boxer! Boxer! Boxer!"

The farm animals were so overcome with emotion to see their hero back from Sugarcandy Mountain that there was a simultaneous uprising of the proletariat and the pigs were out of power. In the following euphoria, the Really Big Fortress of Love was torn down brick by brick. This event ushered in the Golden Age of Animals, a happy time of frolicking and merriment which lasted until the end of the universe.

"So you see," said Jim, "As Marx predicted, the workers of the WORLD united and stuff happened."

Odysseus and Kyle hopped out of the wooden horse. "Well, that wasn't _quite_ what I had in mind, but it works," said a puzzled Odysseus.

While everyone was congratulating Kyle and Odysseus on their spectacular achievement, Pip was plotting. He needed revenge. He had forgotten why, but he needed revenge. It had to be dastardly, cunning, and completely unoriginal. He summoned Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #5½ to his side. "Kidnap the almost-fourteen-year old over there."

"Yessir."

"_Mister _Sir."

"Yessir, Mister Sir."

Thirty minutes later, Romeo wanted to snog Juliet in the tradition of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. However, he couldn't find her anywhere in the crowd outside the ruins of the Really Big Fortress of Love. So he did what any young Veronan noble would do: He sat down and cried. While sobbing on the ground, he discovered a note. He stared at it for a while, and then called his uneducated page to read it out loud to him.

His page frowned. "This is a cruel joke, sire."

"Yes, but whenever I'm not making out with Juliet I'm a jerk, so deal with it," Romeo agreed.

After much difficulty, the page was able to read out:

Dear Victim,

I am EVIL! Fear me!

I have taken Juliet to the graveyard.

You will never find her!

For I am EVIL!

Signed anonymously,

Phillip 'Pip' Pirrup, Evil Overlord Esq.

While Romeo was quite angered by this mysterious letter, he was no so angsty that he felt he could find her on his own. So he turned to his friends for help. After they refused, he begged, and when that failed, he groveled. Finally, they agreed, as they had to go to the graveyard anyway. As they began to meander towards the graveyard, Benvolio, Romeo's cousin, stopped them. "Wait, I can help!"

Tybalt rolled his eyes. "No, you can't. I OWNED you in Act I, Scene I."

"Actually, if he drinks enough, Benvolio can be pretty tough. Like that one time where he pounded this dude for having too few hairs on his head," admonished Mercutio.

The boys showed signs of intense interest. Julie yelled at them, explaining (in a loud voice) that they had to help Juliet. "Shut up! I want to know what happens!"

Julie was so surprised that Kyle actually wanted something that, for the first time she could remember, she shut up.

"As I was saying, Benvolio was dead drunk. It was a hot summer's day, much like this one. Between the heat and the alcohol, he was something to see. So there comes this guy, and he's bald. And Benvolio's all like, 'Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you bald head!' And then there's a huge fight, and I'm like, 'Whoa,' and Benvolio just beats up everyone in the bar."

"But Mercutio, that was Tybalt," said Benvolio, "You were so drunk that you didn't see me cowering under the table."

"Mary, I had no idea."

Having wasted all that time, the group, minus Juliet and plus Benvolio (who, in truth had no reason to be there) set off for the graveyard.

The sun began to set on Verona. Twelve hours remained until the end of the universe, and the Second Coming of Mr. Hanna.

* * *

Author's Note: Last chapter coming soon, same bat-time, same bat-site. 


	18. The Climactic Conclusion

Author's Note: So long and thanks for all the fish. Lyrics by Tim, I don't think there are any other copyright infringements in this chapter.

* * *

Pip looked up at the moon and checked his watch. He had found one-hundred-fourteen men fanatically loyal to him and stupid enough to be fanatically loyal to him to replace those that had been stabbed, blown up, shot, or eaten. He had found a tomb large enough to hide his captive in. He had even perfected a laugh that was adequately evil. All he lacked was a stalwart group of heroes to thwart him and some coherent idea as to why he was acting so evil in the first place. The words Estella, funky, Abel (or was it Cain?), retribution, tintinnabulation, and plot device came to mind, but none of it made any sense. So he stopped looking at his watch and decided to flaunt his victory to Juliet.

"How are you feeling? The moon is beautiful tonight, isn't it?"

Juliet frowned. "Oh, speak not of the moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circled orb! That pale, envious temptress, speak not her name!"

"Moon. Moon. Moon. Moonmoonmoonmoonmoonmoonmoonmoonmoonmoonmoonmoonmoon. Moon."

That paragraph triggered something deep within Juliet. A hatred programmed into the very brains of all Capulets, a hatred that, until now, only Tybalt could tap. Ripping herself free of her bonds, she kicked Pip's top hat off his head, smashed Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #90 into the wall, head butted him in the gut, set him on fire with a nearby torch and ripped him limb from limb.

Pip dusted off his top hat, scampered out of the tomb, and found himself face to face with Pat. Pip blinked. Pat blinked. The two had a staring contest until Pip blinked again. Finally, Pip asked, "How did you get here?"

Pat replied, "Invisibility potions are easy to make… if you have memorized the Periodic Table of Elements!"

"Is that a fact?"

"No, actually, it isn't."

"I see. In that case, I'm going to have to shoot you," said Pip as he drew his gun. However, when he fired it, the bullet ricocheted off Pat's chest and into Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #3's head. Pip was a bit stumped. "How did that happen?"

"Invisibility potions may be a thing of fantasy, but Kevlar vests are completely plausible outside our current situation and assuming one has the proper materials and pays attention in science class, after all."

"Are you _quite_ done with your public service announcements?"

"No," Pat turned to the reader, "Mercutio says, Don't Drink and Fight. And Don't Do Drugs."

"How did you know that I—" Pip was interrupted by a flash of light and a crash of thunder. Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #83 was fried in an instant, and Ramya was suddenly standing right next to Pip. She said, "Pip, release Juliet, or you will have another death on your conscience."

Pip had heard of a conscience, but he had never really been able to understand it. He did understand that he did not want to release Juliet under any circumstances, and he expressed this to Ramya and Pat.

Pat grinned an evil grin. "I see. In that case, we will take her by force, and I will be forced to blow stuff up. For the greater good, of course."

By some loophole in physics, the other members of Mr. Catagnus' seventh period English class and their friends heard this entire conversation. When they heard 'take her by force', there was a rousing cheer, and they set off to rescue Juliet. In the most excessively violent method possible. For the greater good.

Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #300 found it quite ironic that not only was he the last Royal Sentinel numerically, but he was also the last soldier to have a monologue, much like this, and was the first to die in the coming epic battle between the 297 Sentinels and the good guys. Knowing his time was about up, #300 reflected on the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. His jaw dropped. "I've got it!" he cried, but before he could spread this life-altering revelation to the world, Taesup beat him unconscious with large bags of money and the epic conflict began.

Count Paris, possibly the only competent supporter of Pip, (largely considered to be an oxymoron) decided from the tomb marked as his that the only way to defeat the attackers would be to overwhelm them one by one. The first target would be Tim. Paris had a grudge against Tim ever since the party that had gotten him involved in this mess. His 'guns' would be no match for twenty soldiers.

Paris was largely mistaken. When Tim found himself cornered by the twenty soldiers, he merely played his piano.

_Well, hey, Joe, don't you know,_

_That we're all gonna miss you so,_

_And it's hard not to cry;_

_When we think how you're such a wonderful guy…_

_Mr. Catagnus, is all I need,_

_Teach me Shakespeare, and poetry._

_(Oooooahh, Oooooahh)_

The beautiful melody made them think of their wasted, meaningless lives. Once all twenty were on the ground sobbing, Tim bashed their heads in with a tombstone he ripped from the ground.

Paris' next target was Chris, who, like Tim, was unarmed. Chris was having such a great time filming the action that he did not notice a particularly burly Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #274 sneaking up behind him. From across the graveyard, Pat R. saw Chris' plight. In a rage, he beat a path to Chris using only his trusty wooden club, only to fall in a friar-sized hole. Pat R. disagreed with the situation.

Chris agreed upon the disagreeability of the situation. The situation was so disagreeable, that Royal Sentinel #274 had him in a headlock. This unpleasant situation was thankfully brought to an end by Odysseus, who turned #274 into a pincushion with his arrows.

Paris began to become worried. He didn't really know why, the minute he sided with Pip he knew hew was dead, but he was considering all possible options for his survival anyway. He blamed this paranoia on human desire to prevail and Slagtar von Tryon. Some strange villain-logic told him to go join his Royal Sentinel comrades on the battlefield. Paris modified his will, leaving the family fortune and ownership of Verona to Mercutio (he'd put all that money and power to good use, right?) and stepped from the safety of the tomb and into the chaos of the graveyard.

Things were worse than Paris had suspected. Julie was exploding the soldier's eardrums with supersonic screams; Pat was blowing people up, and Tybalt was on top of a mountain of corpses, laughing madly. Kyle's seven foot long sword had returned, only to get lodged in a two hundred year old statue of a saint. Dan was dancing, which came as no great surprise to Paris, or the reader, who probably expected at least one Dan dance scene per chapter at this point. Paris began to mimic Dan's dancing, and found it to be great fun. Taesup took this opportunity to beat Paris with moneybags.

The parallel universe that the students were trapped in was very much like Earth in the 1500s. As such, many of the guards were confused to see Stephanie, a girl, beat the living crap out of them. They just couldn't explain it. They would surround her, she would smile, do a small twitching motion, and they would have broken necks or become disemboweled. Very strange business, indeed.

Puzzled, the Royal Sentinels beseeched their fearless leader, Pip, who was hiding behind a tombstone. Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #38 reported, "Sire, there are warriors on the enemy's side… who are women!" One of Jim's boomerangs swiped off his head.

Royal Sentinel #10 continued, "They possess incredible skill and we are afraid." A fire bubble, launched by Pat cremated him.

"You are afraid?" questioned Pip.

"Very afraid, actually," said Royal Sentinel #299 before he spontaneously exploded. "That's just not fair."

Pip, coming from a more civilized era, sneered, "Three hundred of you couldn't take a group of teenagers and you are complaining that they have _girls_?"

"Yes, sir. It just doesn't seem fair," said Royal Sentinel of Fair Verona #145. Shocked that he didn't suffer an immediate and painful death, he continued timidly, "Perhaps you could give us help… from the future?"

Pip considered this. While it was more beneficial to him to have the soldiers win, all this talk about the end of the universe made the whole ordeal seem rather pointless. "All right, I give unto you… the crossbow!"

The Royal Sentinels present blinked. Royal Sentinel #81 said, "Sir, the crossbow has been around for nearly five hundred years. Heck, the Chinese have had for three hundred years _before Christ_! I have one right here. See?" He fired a bolt at Dan, who danced out of the way. He fired again, but Dan did a pirouette and the bolt went right past him. #81 reloaded, but before he could fire again, Mercutio drunkenly sliced through him.

When Paris awoke, he saw the crossbow bolt go flying past Dan. Quickly, he took in his surroundings. Pip's forces were drawing back to Juliet's tomb to make their final stand. Romeo and company were preparing for one final attack. The rain began to fall, and Paris knew it was time for something drastic.

Romeo began to detail the final draft of his marvelous plan. "First, Julie will blast them with a good scream. Then Pat will launch one of Mr. Glodek's Fire Bubbles. Ramya, could you rain fiery holy death upon them? Good. Dan, Jim and Tim will create the best distraction ever. Then the people with pointy things—" "Swords, perhaps?" Tybalt suggested.

"Yes, the people with swords, myself, Mercutio, Tybalt, Kyle, Caitlin, Reece, and Dan R. will march forward. BUT! We will only be a distraction. Taesup, with his bags of money, and Stephanie, with her mad ninja skillz, will sneak in, free Juliet, and join the fight. In case we have to go into a court of law, Chris will provide photographical evidence and musical assistance should Tim, Jim and Dan need it."

"What about me?" asked Benvolio.

"I'm sorry, my cousin, but you suck. You go tell my parents that everything is okay."

Paris decided that this touching family moment should be brought to an end. "Stupid as your plan is, I cannot allow you to put it into effect. You all die, here and now."

"But Paris, I thought you didn't like resorting to violence," Tybalt said quietly.

"What you don't know about me or Shakespeare in general is enough to fill a twenty-three page novel, much like this one and I do apprehend thee for numerous felons committed here, not the least of which being murder and assault on police."

Tybalt really didn't want to fight Paris. It was Paris who taught him that conflict could be resolved in ways other than bloodshed. It was Paris who helped him brave the horrors of Plan Delta. And now it was Paris who stood between him and his cousin.

The onlookers watched in horror. Tybalt was able to get in five swift strokes before Paris hit the ground dead, but the first slice, the one that beheaded him, was the only one that was necessary.

The corpse landed in the mud with a dull thump. The only noise that could be heard was the sound of raindrops. An hour passed in this silence, but each second was like a cold, empty eternity.

Odysseus, having fought a war that lasted for ten years, could understand the trauma of those surrounding him. The arbitrary slaughter of hundreds of nameless, faceless guards was nothing compared to the violent death of one man who they had considered a friend. Morally correct or not, it was the way it was.

Finally, Odysseus said, "Let's go save Juliet."

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Author's Note: No, this isn't the end. Well, it is, but the epilouge will be up sooner or later. That will be the end. Or the end after The End. I'm not sure.


	19. Epilogue

Author's Note: MAJOR Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince spoilers in this chapter. But if you're on the internet, you probably know them anyway.

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_

_"Well, I'm feeling rather good about all this._

_I feel we've all arrived at a _very_ special place._

_Spiritually, ecumenically..._

_...gramatically..." Pirates of the Caribbean_

* * *

When Romeo and the others arrived at the tomb, they found to their shock, most of the guards unconscious and Pip tied up. Juliet waved to them. "Hi, I kind of got tired of waiting for you guys so I took matters into my own hands."

This was all well and good, everyone was tired of fighting. With all major conflicts resolved, all that there was left to do was to wait for Mr. Hanna.

Hours passed, and the rain eventually stopped. Reece panicked. "Where's Mr. Hanna? If the rain stopped, the play must be over! The living cast members are discussing how they are going to stop fighting… where's Mr. Hanna?"

There was a flash of light. The sun rose. Everyone glared at Stephanie. "How was I supposed to know the universe wasn't going to end?" Nobody answered her, but had their attention focused upon Mr. Hanna's universe-traveling machine, which had suddenly appeared in the center of the graveyard. Mr. Hanna stepped into the light of the rising sun, with his friends Teddy Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan. He looked at Jim. "I trust everything is all right?"

"They did very well, Bill."

"Good. You may remove your mask, Miss Liptak."

Everyone was slightly confused that Jim was really Miss Liptak, but no one said a word. Mr. Hanna continued, "Taesup, the real Jim is with the fairies in the forest. Please fetch him."

"Right-o, old bean."

While they waited for Jim and Taesup, Mr. Hanna explained that Miss Liptak was watching over them the whole time, and Jim had joined Oberon and Titania in the ranks of the fairies via pixie dust. ("I _knew_ it," said Caitlin.) He had brought T.R. for asskicking purposes and Ronald in case the students were unable to fight off the communists.

To kill time, Julie asked if Mr. Hanna really knew everything. "Of course, I even knew that SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE in book 6."

"Could you tell me what happens in book 7?"

"Of course." And he told her.

From there, the conversation became even more meaningful and everyone was so depressed that it was a relief when Taesup, Jim, the fairies, the greasers, and the Apothecary arrived.

They crowded onto the machine, and lived Happily Ever After™.

**Romeo and Juliet**

Upon arriving in the 'real' world, Romeo and Juliet discovered the wonders of modern divorce lawyers. In a scandal that would be remembered for all time, the two star-crossed lovers made up and broke up for forty years.

**Pat R.**

Became one of those wonderful divorce lawyers, with a rebuttal that shook modern law: You're wrong, shut up.

**Ponyboy and the Greasers**

Only Ponyboy chose to return to his original time. He bought huge amounts of stock in Microsoft and other companies at Taesup's suggestion, and currently owns the world. The other greasers became dancers on Broadway, and their kids go throughout New York City, beating up poor kids.

**Dan**

Toppled all competition and became the true Lord of the Dance. People came from all around the globe to witness the magic.

**Chris**

His recordings of the whole affair brought fame and fortune. With the help of his good friend Taesup, Chris was able to buy an island for himself and set up an anarchist (or was it animalist) government. To this day, no one is sure if the residents of Chris' Island of Fun are autocrats, aristocrats, or animalists. Or anarchists.

**Taesup**

Eventually, Taesup became so rich that quadbajillionaire ceased to define him. Just thinking about the amount of money in his possession was enough to blow the mind. When he grew tired of spending his money on trips to Pluto, Taesup used his immense wealth to cure disease and end poverty.

**Kyle**

After studying black holes for years, Kyle became so well-versed in pocket dimensions that he created one in his image. In his new home, he won the science fair every day and was able to listen to his i-Pod indefinitely.

**Reece**

Reece was mocked in the literary community for his papers on Romeo and Juliet. Critics said that the characters were far too unlike how they were in the play. Ridiculed and scorned, Reece vanished and did not meet fame and fortune like his classmates.

**Blake**

His innovations in the internet allowed him to start a computer company. After he had acquired enough money, he made sure that no one would have to go through more than a day without internet access.

**Stephanie**

Stephanie suffered some brief angst after being horribly, horrifically, wrong about the end of the universe, but she got over it. Became head of a ninja clan and went on many wild and wacky adventures with a dancing grizzly bear.

**Tim**

Lived a quiet life as a muscular supermodel by day and a piano-playing bad dude by night for many years.

**Pip**

Pip died drunk, alone and friendless in a London alleyway shortly after Mr. Hanna sent him back to his own universe.

**Dan R.**

Went into politics. During his presidential campaign, his slogan became: "A vote for Dan is a Vote for EVIL!" Dan, however, was not in the presidential race. Dan R. lost the election.

**Mr. Hanna**

Mr. Hanna won the election.

**Caitlin**

Caitlin was the only student who lived a somewhat normal life. She and her family went on numerous vacations and she and her husband loved each other very much.

**Jim**

Stopped the show as Puck, with realistic flying effects and firsthand knowledge of the character. Went on to play the Nurse in subsequent shows. Later, Jim turned to soccer, and, through rigorous training, went to the Olympics.

**Pat**

Pat created a rocket fuel that allowed mankind to travel to places far beyond the solar system. He and the Apothecary created a successful business.

**Ramya**

Became a cult leader. Her special wine became excessively popular. Traveled the world curing lepers and walking on water.

**Tybalt**

Thoroughly done with homicide, Tybalt became a priest in Ramya's new order. Together, the two brought peace and happiness to the world.

**Julie**

With the help of Mr. Hanna and the millions of dollars she made betting on the outcome of the seventh Harry Potter book, Julie became a Supreme Court Justice. After all, it was that or move to Canada.

**Odysseus**

After being away from home for twenty years, the mythological king decided that no one would miss him. Odysseus became the new English teacher after Mr. Catagnus retired at Pennbrook Middle School.

**The Fairies**

Opened a nightclub in Albuquerque, New Mexico and took 'nighttime revelry' to a whole new level. This led to 'Oberon's Magical Love Flowers' to be sold in drugstores throughout the world. The nightclub eventually started a chain.

**Napoleon and His Pigs**

The night following their adventure, all the students had roast pork, regardless of religious or moral beliefs.

**Benvolio**

Who cares?

**Mercutio**

Mercutio awoke from his drunken fervor. He recalled parallel universes, a lot of students, Romeo, and some Capulets. There were fairies and communist pigs, along with a corrupt English gentlemen. And dancing. A mind-boggling amount of dancing. "Bartender, what have I been drinking?"

"I dunno, just come in from the New World."

A pause.

"Another round!"

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Author's Note: It's been fun. I know the stories here in the Shakespeare section tend to be a bit more highbrow (I know, I've read some) and so I hope nobody was offended by my crude caricatures of your favorite characters. Thanks again to the three people who reviewed. Libra Horse: Thank you _so_ much for the use of your account and your constant support and feedback. You're great.


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